yeah i know i bragged about harimau,
but they put me with the reptiles instead.
shocking, how i found out i wasnt scared of snakes, phytons in particular.
they were amazingly tame, and friendly and obedient and cuddly.
i didnt had the chance to kiss them goodbye.
cant wait to see them next week.
but the crocodiles were so not my favourite.
they watched me as if i was their lunch.
had the best time ever.
i know im gona do this again and again,
again and again.
Dec 27, 2009
Dec 24, 2009
numb
i had recurring dreams about grandma.
and nightmares involving mom afterwards.
it was really confusing and so real,
i usually wake up wondering if they really happened.
i told myself not to break down and cry,
cz i was afraid,
noone's gona be there to hold my hair,
when i run to the toilet and throw up,
coz i usually do.
and nightmares involving mom afterwards.
it was really confusing and so real,
i usually wake up wondering if they really happened.
i told myself not to break down and cry,
cz i was afraid,
noone's gona be there to hold my hair,
when i run to the toilet and throw up,
coz i usually do.
Dec 23, 2009
two plus two is not always four
i've told u i'm never good with straight lines.
i'll prove it to you one day.
i'll prove it to you one day.
red book
someone i knew died of leukemia last night.
and i cant stop but thinking about a movie i watched years ago.
'a walk to remember'.
when the girl in that movie died of leukemia also.
she had this book where she wrote all her dreams.
even the smallest one.
the idea of having a book like that got into me.
which i made one for myself but i couldn't write a thing.
it's really thick and im gona use it forever.
'my forever book', so it was named.
and i cant stop but thinking about a movie i watched years ago.
'a walk to remember'.
when the girl in that movie died of leukemia also.
she had this book where she wrote all her dreams.
even the smallest one.
the idea of having a book like that got into me.
which i made one for myself but i couldn't write a thing.
it's really thick and im gona use it forever.
'my forever book', so it was named.
Dec 22, 2009
Dec 21, 2009
countdown II
'do u have my pictures?' i asked her, out of panic.
'i have them right here' she said, pointing at her head.
'i have them right here' she said, pointing at her head.
something is wrong, somewhere.
besfren left this morning.
with uncertain promise of when will she returns.
i'm having too much lost at this point.
i'm not sure if i can handle another one.
this is the time when i feel like smoking, or get into destructive acts.
but if those didn't help back then,
i don't think they'll make much difference this time around.
i told her i'll be fine, but we both knew it wasn't even true.
when i started to gave her inane questions like
'what if i lost my car key again?'
'who's gona send me to the clinic if i get sick?'
and i puked right after she left,
i knew i'm not taking this well,
at all.
with uncertain promise of when will she returns.
i'm having too much lost at this point.
i'm not sure if i can handle another one.
this is the time when i feel like smoking, or get into destructive acts.
but if those didn't help back then,
i don't think they'll make much difference this time around.
i told her i'll be fine, but we both knew it wasn't even true.
when i started to gave her inane questions like
'what if i lost my car key again?'
'who's gona send me to the clinic if i get sick?'
and i puked right after she left,
i knew i'm not taking this well,
at all.
Dec 14, 2009
al-fatihah
there she was,
lying in the room just like the way when i first arrived last time.
only this time, she wasn’t sleeping anymore.
i couldn’t see her face as they covered her with a white cloth.
mom sat next to her, crying.
i told myself to get her, hug her.
but i walked to the kitchen instead.
stood there, confused, numb, trying to pull myself together.
someone came to hug me n told me it’s ok.
but it wasn’t ok.
she’s gone.
grandma’s gone.
lying in the room just like the way when i first arrived last time.
only this time, she wasn’t sleeping anymore.
i couldn’t see her face as they covered her with a white cloth.
mom sat next to her, crying.
i told myself to get her, hug her.
but i walked to the kitchen instead.
stood there, confused, numb, trying to pull myself together.
someone came to hug me n told me it’s ok.
but it wasn’t ok.
she’s gone.
grandma’s gone.
Dec 9, 2009
grandma
the cells had spread all over her main organs.
no more chemo.
nothing left could be done.
'bring along baju kurung' i cried upon hearing what mom said.
this is too soon.
this cant be true.
no more chemo.
nothing left could be done.
'bring along baju kurung' i cried upon hearing what mom said.
this is too soon.
this cant be true.
chemo III
she was in great pain,
but never once she lost her sense of humour.
forcing me to smile between those tears.
but never once she lost her sense of humour.
forcing me to smile between those tears.
veggie lover II
when nunux told everyone di meja makan during lunch that i’m a vegetarian,
i decided to clear things up.
i told them i’m a pescetarian, yada yada.
understood, they said.
during dinner, when I refused to have that extremely delicious ayam goreng, someone who just joined us started to question.
and another person tried to clear things up for me.
‘she’s a polisterian’
well, lets just call me vegetarian, people!
i decided to clear things up.
i told them i’m a pescetarian, yada yada.
understood, they said.
during dinner, when I refused to have that extremely delicious ayam goreng, someone who just joined us started to question.
and another person tried to clear things up for me.
‘she’s a polisterian’
well, lets just call me vegetarian, people!
Dec 8, 2009
chemo II
she was sleeping when i stepped into the ward.
somehow, she looked older or smaller in that green hospital gown.
i would stand or sit behind her, desperately fighting back the tears.
so she won’t see me crying.
how could I cry when she, herself was smiling.
‘kalau mak ngah kasaq. cik buat tak sakit’ she told me, when i gently undressed her.
she giggled while i washed her.
or smiled sheepishly as i put on the diaper.
i know she did exactly the same when i was a baby.
now it’s my turn.
somehow, she looked older or smaller in that green hospital gown.
i would stand or sit behind her, desperately fighting back the tears.
so she won’t see me crying.
how could I cry when she, herself was smiling.
‘kalau mak ngah kasaq. cik buat tak sakit’ she told me, when i gently undressed her.
she giggled while i washed her.
or smiled sheepishly as i put on the diaper.
i know she did exactly the same when i was a baby.
now it’s my turn.
chemo
ironic.
i just registered myself sebagai volunteer untuk MAKNA.
a week before she was hospitalized.
‘it’s cancer’ my mom said.
i just registered myself sebagai volunteer untuk MAKNA.
a week before she was hospitalized.
‘it’s cancer’ my mom said.
Dec 2, 2009
thoughtful
yesterday,
the smallest gift from someone i hardly know,
rarely talked to,
really made my day.
*and it's not even my favourite color
the smallest gift from someone i hardly know,
rarely talked to,
really made my day.
*and it's not even my favourite color
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