mercy

i told her to stay away.
coz people won’t understand us.
i can’t be besfren with any girls.
that’s the rule.
being single is a sin.
it makes me a freak.
go get marry, like it’s gona change who i really am.
like it’s gona kill the tampered soul in me.
i shivered the moment mom called me lesbian.
i couldn’t take the L word now, not when i’m not anymore.
they refused to listen, or understand just like years ago.
it’s really heart breaking when I finally found the will to change the path,
that’s the moment they chose to reprimand me.
i’m leaving this to Him.
so help me God.

day 10

this post was meant for yesterday.
on the 10th day of 2010.
a new year's entry due 10 days but with another 354 days to face, i don't call it late.
shud get the taste of 2010 before i wrapped up the year 2009.
to see whether i am anyhow a different person before the clock stroke 12, 10 days ago.
well, i can still see last year's events vividly.
how i lost my dear grandmother for cancer.
some ups and downs in friendship and family issues.
but if there's anything worth of mentioning, it wud be my major turning point, when i decided to walk away from the person and the life i've been living in for five years.
it was some sort of pilgrimage for me.
althought i almost regret not doing it sooner,but having the strenght to abandoned that kind of life was a bless never to overlook.
i heard it somewhere, dat sometimes we're too busy defending the relationship,we ended up not having it at all.
it was like that only with absolutely no reason to defend.
never occured to me that life could actually be simple.
and calling myself brainwashed, wasn't even close to exaggerating.
i was, and thanks God was freed.

so for this year,
im gona try to practice all the good deeds,
random act of kindness, see obstacles as challenges,
preserving good chi, to forgive and forget.
and the list goes on.
thought there are things that are still clinging to me, and refused to be left in last year's book,
it’s getting better each and every day.
the emotion-shield is getting thicker, and my boiling point gets higher.
i hope to become more and more optimist.
im just not sure if i should go on with the idea that i'm here with a mission,
to save everyone and everything.
coz it does sound silly.

Happy New Year everyone.
Have a great year ahead.

reflection

just got back from bloghoppin.
and i felt like mine is extragloomy compared to others.
am i being too complex?

blow the candles and make a wish

mimpi yang unusual.

i can’t remember writing but I can clearly read the words in my blog.
‘if I can choose one moment that will last forever, i would choose this one’
then I saw grandpa grandma, young and healthy.
mom and dad talking and laughing.
and a little girl jumping around.
running in circle.
smiling with no worries.
i looked closer.
and she was me.

a gift of life

i was having a second thought on becoming an organ donor.
but at four this morning, i've decided to be one, until i choose not to.
so i woke besfren up,
told her im gona be a pledger,
asked her how she feels about it.
i knew where she stands.
she never agrees but she wouldn’t say no.
‘im gona find the person who gets the eyes, so i can look into yours again.
and im gona ask whoever gets ur heart, if she feels the same towards me.’
‘that’s good’ i cried.
‘no it's not. it's different’ she sounded frustrated.
‘it’s better’ i argued.
‘coz im still gona be alive and i’ll be everywhere.’